


Showing My Hand

by nipawomsett



Series: The Harry & Eggsy Whatsapp series [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Double Entendre, Harry Hart is a disgrace, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Roxy Is a Good Bro, Secret Relationship, Texting, but mainly grubby innuendo, eggsy unwin cannot deal, incriminating glasses, it all comes good in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 20:00:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20476685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nipawomsett/pseuds/nipawomsett
Summary: A sequel to 'Just Ask Me', because I honestly couldn't live until I'd worked out how these fools were going to navigate the minefield that is the secret workplace affair.





	Showing My Hand

16.04 10:04

Harry  
Let me know if you managed to arrive on time

Eggsy  
i did not  
was meant to be at weapons trainin for 9am, tried to slip in at the back and act like id been there all along  
merlin was not havin any of it

Harry  
He rarely does  
I'm so sorry  
(I'm not)

Eggsy  
hahahahaha  
we didnt really talk about how the fuck were gonna do this did we?

Harry  
No, there were more pressing matters to attend to last night

Eggsy  
and this mornin  
still cant get over it haz  
if only id known earlier

Harry  
Known what?

Eggsy  
dunno  
how i felt  
how u felt  
that it was gonna be this fuckin good  
its like, uve been drivin a ford fiesta all ur life thinkin ur having a good time and then someone hands u the keys to a maserati

Harry  
My word  
Please work that into my eulogy when I'm dead  
Or the next time I'm dead, I should say

Eggsy  
STILL TOO SOON HARRY

Harry  
My apologies  
We do need to discuss how we're going to handle this though  
I’m afraid we've found ourselves in a very high risk situation 

Eggsy  
what happens if we get found out

Harry  
I imagine we'll be shown the door

Eggsy  
shit  
has that happened before?

Harry  
Not during my tenure  
I think the last time it happened was in the 70s

Eggsy  
i find it really hard to believe that no agents have hooked up in like 40 years

Harry  
Well if they did they managed to keep it a secret  
Which is what we'll have to do

Eggsy  
ugh  
right  
i mean i guessed as much  
but seriously  
ugh  
so no tellin anyone then

Harry  
Absolutely not  
Kingsman or otherwise

Eggsy  
its gonna be so hard not tellin rox  
but u know i can keep my mouth shut 

Harry  
I know, which is why I shan’t labour the point  
I suspect the real challenge will be in ensuring our behaviour doesn't give us away

Eggsy  
oh u mean like showin up late to weapons trainin cos u were still gettin sucked off at 8:30

Harry  
Precisely

Eggsy  
are we gonna have to avoid each other at work n stuff? 

Harry  
No, far from it  
Any sudden change in our behaviour toward each other would raise suspicion  
Add to which, having you avoid me at work would make me very unhappy  
We just need to try to carry on exactly as we were before

Eggsy  
what if people still work it out

Harry  
Unless they catch us in flagrante delicto then we can plausibly deny any impropriety

Eggsy  
literally didnt understand any part of that sentence 

Harry  
They can't prove anything if they don't see us actually fucking

Eggsy  
wow harry  
just wow  
quick question  
r we mental?

Harry  
Oh yes  
I certainly am  
I'm 52, I should know better  
But I have no self control where you’re concerned  
It's pathetic

Eggsy  
oh get over urself hart  
u and me r a fact of life, a force of fuckin nature, and there aint a thing either of us can do to change that  
risk is in our blood, right? part of who we are

Harry  
All true  
On that note then... are you coming back tonight?

Eggsy  
course i fuckin am  
please try and find my pants in the meantime

Harry  
Are you not wearing them now?

Eggsy  
er  
no  
i had to give up on them or id have been even later

Harry  
Jesus Christ

. .  
. .  
. .

16.04 13:01

Harry  
I found them

Eggsy  
where?

Harry  
Let’s just say it’s been a rough night for Mr Pickle and leave it at that

Eggsy  
hahahahahahahaha  
so what r u doin right now?

Harry  
Officially, I'm writing up my report from the Tuvalu mission (or what little of it I completed)

Eggsy  
u havent written a word of it have u

Harry  
Correct

Eggsy  
hahahahahah  
what r u doin unofficially then?

Harry  
I'm thinking about you, of course

Eggsy  
really??

Harry  
Of course really

Eggsy  
what about me?

Harry  
I'm thinking about the beligerent look on your face when you think you're being challenged; the set of your magnificent jaw; the way your accent gets rougher as you get more relaxed; the sound of your laughter reverberating through the corridors at HQ; your dogged persistence; that fucking wink that incinerates everyone in a twenty metre radius; your kisses that are somehow tender and fierce at the same time, just like you; the way you look at me; the way you smile at me; the way you say my name as you come…  
That's just a sample really

Eggsy  
shit  
i was not expectin that work of prose harry  
I thought u was just gonna say “ur arse” or somethin  
i dont know what to say  
it still dont feel real  
how long have u known?

Harry  
An unethically long time 

Eggsy  
hahahahahaha  
come on, seriously 

Harry  
Once you became an agent and we started working together and our friendship developed, I knew I was done for  
But seeds were probably sown from the very beginning if I'm honest

Eggsy  
what, like from the black prince?

Harry  
Yes, if not the steps of Holborn police station  
“That ain’t an answer”…

Eggsy  
oh mate  
you are an actual freak harry

Harry  
Well aware

Eggsy  
would u ever have said anythin?

Harry  
Never  
I would never have dared believe that you felt anything more than friendship for me  
The fact that you do still seems highly improbable 

Eggsy  
everythin about me is highly improbable luv  
i just roll with it

Harry  
Indeed you do  
It's one of the many things I love about you  
I'm back in the office from tomorrow by the way  
Desk duty for a while but at least I'm working

Eggsy  
yessssssssssss

Harry  
What do people know?

Eggsy  
i havent managed to let slip that were fuckin each other yet, give me a bit of credit

Harry  
Point one, I’m not talking about us, idiot (and that “yet” is chilling indeed)  
Point two, technically we’re not fucking each other, I’m just fucking you thus far  
And point three, I was obviously referring to the reason for my premature return from Tuvalu

Eggsy  
oh  
wait, THUS FAR  
what does THUS FAR mean

Harry  
Tuvalu first, Eggsy

Eggsy  
FINE  
well u know that bedevere was assigned to take over from u  
i dont think anyones even asked why but if they do the official reason is that u were needed urgently on somethin else back home  
merlin will give u the full cover story, i cant remember the details  
the only people that know the truth are me, merlin and bedevere

Harry  
Thank you, Eggsy  
For everything

Eggsy  
no bother luv  
so anyway, ud let me fuck u then 

Harry  
Seamless transition, dearheart  
Of course, why wouldn’t I?

Eggsy  
i dunno  
just dont seem in keepin with ur image somehow  
findin it hard to imagine u in that position tbh

Harry  
Then I suggest you try harder

Eggsy  
well thats my afternoon sorted  
hahahahahaha  
u actually want it? from me?

Harry  
God yes

Eggsy  
eggsyunwin.exe has stopped workin

Harry  
I wasn’t aware you’d started working yet

Eggsy  
pot kettle black mate

Harry  
We need to stop this

Eggsy  
ur right  
finish ur report  
or even just begin it  
im leavin here about 5:30 and then i really need to go home, sort jb out and pick up some clothes and stuff  
so maybe at yours for 7?

Harry  
My heart’s already in my throat and I hate myself for it

Eggsy  
ur such a drama queen  
were all excited for the imminent sex, just accept it

Harry  
Oh bugger off

. .  
. .  
. .

17.04 09:24

Eggsy  
u made ur fashionably late entrance yet

Harry  
I just arrived

Eggsy  
well that was a fuckin charade mate  
did not enjoy havin to get a separate cab to the shop when were startin from the same place  
felt ridiculous  
apart from anything else its bad for the environment innit

Harry  
Your sudden commitment to reversing climate change not withstanding, you know that we can’t travel in to work together

Eggsy  
i know i know  
this whole day is gonna be so hard tho  
whats on ur schedule for today?

Harry  
Fortunately it’s filled with things like counselling sessions, touching base with Merlin and so on  
I say “fortunately” because it will keep me sufficiently occupied and out of trouble  
You’re trouble by the way

Eggsy  
!!!!!!!

Harry  
I *have* just noticed that we have an all-agent meeting at 11 though  
According to the agenda you’re debriefing us on Berlin

Eggsy  
WHAT  
FUCK  
i did not know this  
i cant even remember what happened in berlin, i was too busy imaginin what u were gonna look like naked

Harry  
Perhaps don’t include that

Eggsy  
oh fuck  
looks like ill be chuckin some slides together in a blind fuckin panic this mornin then

Harry  
I’ll see you in two hours

Eggsy  
WHAT HAS MY LIFE BECOME HARRY

. .  
. .  
. .

17.04 12:07

Harry  
I thought that went well

Eggsy  
yeah cheers  
did u have to look at me while i was doin it though?

Harry  
I beg your pardon?

Eggsy  
it puts me off

Harry  
It would be rude not to look at you while you’re speaking, surely?

Eggsy  
i could tell u were thinkin ungentlemanly thoughts tho  
your eyes go all dark

Harry  
I was just very involved in your findings

Eggsy  
i bet u were u freak

Harry  
ENOUGH  
Where was Arthur by the way? He usually chairs the all-agent meetings

Eggsy  
dunno mate  
didnt notice tbh  
dont talk about arthur when im tryin to lower the tone  
right, mission prep for me  
good luck gettin through the rest of the day

Harry  
And to you, soldier

. .  
. .  
. .

17.04 15:18

Eggsy  
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh did u hear the news

Harry  
What news?

Eggsy  
were getting upgraded specs – THEY NOW HAVE AN OFF BUTTON 

Harry  
That is extremely good news for us

Eggsy  
right?  
it does make me wonder how come weve got all this advanced tech like fuckin electrified bling but it took us this long to think of an off button for the glasses  
our priorities are well weird

Harry  
I don’t dispute that  
We were using fax machines until 2012, for heaven’s sake

Eggsy  
hows ur day goin?

Harry  
Torture  
And this is coming from a man who has actually been tortured on more than one occasion

Eggsy  
hahahahahaha

Harry  
I need you to come to my office and do a second pair of eyes check on my Tuvalu report if you don’t mind

Eggsy  
um ok

. .  
. .  
. .

17.04 15:53

Eggsy  
so u lied

Harry  
I did  
I filed that report yesterday

Eggsy  
OH FUCK  
weve got each others ties on babe

Harry  
Oh dear  
Has anyone seen you since you left my office?

Eggsy  
dont think so

Harry  
Think you can get back here without being seen so we can swap them?

Eggsy  
fucks sake  
ill try

. .  
. .  
. .

17.04 16:22

Eggsy  
HARRY WE FORGOT TO SWAP TIES

Harry  
We're not very good at this, are we?

Eggsy  
ugh just stay in ur office until everyones gone and ill do the same

Harry  
This is absurd  
In my defence I did try very hard not to let the situation escalate

Eggsy  
did u fuck  
unless youre referring to the bit where u were going "stop me stop me" as u were takin me bespoke fuckin trousers off  
which was actually really hot by the way  
pretty ironic when you think about it

Harry  
Please shut up, Eggsy  
I can’t believe this is my first day back in the office and I’ve already had you over my desk  
I’m ashamed

Eggsy  
no ur not  
ur gonna have to throw all them memos away I reckon  
in fact throw the whole desk away

Harry  
Goodbye, Eggsy

. .  
. .  
. .

17.04 16:56

Eggsy  
i cant believe im saying this but im not gonna come over tonight

Harry  
Oh

Eggsy  
i know but ive been neglectin other parts of my life babe  
i need to check in with mum and daiz, I need to go to the gym, and rox wants to get a beer  
obviously i wanna be with u more than anythin but im tryin real hard to carry on like before, like we agreed

Harry  
You’re right, I hate that

Eggsy  
I love you Harry

Harry  
I love you too Eggsy  
Have fun with Roxanne  
Try not to look like you’ve been recently fucked if at all possible

Eggsy  
ill just say ive been really goin for it at the gym

. .  
. .  
. .

17.04 23:47

Eggsy  
harry r u still awake

Harry  
I am now

Eggsy  
im outside let me in

Harry  
You’re unbelievable

. .  
. .  
. .

18.04 09:52

Harry  
I meant to ask you how your evening went yesterday  
Prior to you turning up outside my door at quarter to midnight

Eggsy  
it was good  
had a catch up with rox, she was on point  
she so knows tho

Harry  
What???

Eggsy  
i mean she doesnt know but i think she can tell im gone for u mate  
i can feel myself gettin all hot and grinny when she brings u up

Harry  
Did you get “hot and grinny” before?

Eggsy  
i dunno  
probably  
sorry

Harry  
Has she said anything about it?

Eggsy  
nah, she just gets that look on her face like when some rubbish assassin wont tell her who theyre working for but she already knows so she just smiles and then shoots them in the fuckin head

Harry  
She is an inspiration to us all

Eggsy  
i know right  
hopefully that means shell never ask me outright  
lying to her would fuckin kill me

Harry  
I know, dear

Eggsy  
by the way ive been given a new assignment  
prague for a week

Harry  
Fucking hell

Eggsy  
???

Harry  
What am I supposed to do with my life for a week?

Eggsy  
hahahahahaha  
should probably start gettin used to it mate  
were super spies livin the jetset lifestyle

Harry  
Please never repeat any part of that sentence again  
But yes, you’re right  
A little distance from each other will probably be a blessing 

Eggsy  
that dont sound good :(

Harry  
I didn’t say I was going to like it  
When are you leaving?

Eggsy  
friday

Harry  
We’d best make the most of it then

. .  
. .  
. .

20.04 10:14

Harry  
I miss you already

Eggsy  
i should fuckin hope so  
least i gave u somethin to remember me by while im gone

Harry  
Yes, friction burns  
You spoil me

Eggsy  
hahahahahahah  
love u harry

Harry  
Please be safe

Eggsy  
dont worry

. .  
. .  
. .

20.04 15:02

Harry  
Eggsy, I’ve been trying to call you all day  
Merlin says he’s lost track of you  
Did something happen to your glasses?  
Please just let me know you’re OK  
I love you

Eggsy  
its ok, im alive

Harry  
Thank fuck, Eggsy  
What’s going on?

Eggsy  
now dont panic  
ive been in hospital

Harry  
WHAT

Eggsy  
just a bit of a head injury  
was out cold for a few hours so couldnt get in touch  
glasses fucked again obvs  
so sorry  
r u ok

Harry  
No, I’m not  
You could have been dead

Eggsy  
comes with the territory mate  
come on, u know that

Harry  
Don’t “come on” me

Eggsy  
i thought u liked that

Harry  
I walked straight into that one

Eggsy  
u really must be compromised rn

Harry  
This is difficult for me, Eggsy  
I’ve already lost someone I loved because of Kingsman, and I swore I’d never let that happen again

Eggsy  
i know haz but its not the same  
mark got caught up in a world he didnt really know nothin about  
but im a kingsman too. i walked into this life knowin all the risks. i signed on the dotted line  
the dotted line on a fuckin BODY BAG  
and no disrespect but im pretty fuckin good at takin care of myself  
have some faith in me, im a big boy  
PLEASE DO NOT TURN THAT INTO A SEX JOKE WERE HAVIN SERIOUS TIME NOW

Harry  
Fine

Eggsy  
death might come lookin for me more than the average bloke but ill always be ready to kick it in the bollocks  
i hope that is reassuring 

Harry  
You’re wonderful

Eggsy  
i know  
i have to go and get a brain scan or some shit now  
if u talk to merlin tell him ill give him a full debrief once i get out of here and can set up some kind of secure communications channel  
wish u were here, ur good at that shit  
like turnin cufflinks into satellite radios and all that stasi stuff

Harry  
You could just buy a burner phone, Eggsy

Eggsy  
well that was a let down

. .  
. .  
. .

20.04 17:05

Harry  
How are you doing?

Eggsy  
fine luv, been discharged and back in business  
take it uve been worryin non stop

Harry  
I did stop briefly to interrogate a drug dealer

Eggsy  
OMG INTERROGATION HARRY IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE HARRYS  
i wish I couldve been there to see it  
the way ur all polite and calm at first but also taking ur jacket off and rollin up ur shirt sleeves and this vague threat just hangs in the air  
did u get what u wanted from him

Harry  
Eventually

Eggsy  
did u have to get heavy

Harry  
I may have done  
Is this turning you on?

Eggsy  
ill never tell  
ull have to drag it out of me  
do u see what im doin here

Harry  
I’d cottoned on, yes  
You’re even more warped than I am

Eggsy  
we both know thats a big lie

Harry  
Give it time, darling

Eggsy  
so ur doin all right then?

Harry  
Not really, Eggsy  
I fear I’ve showed my hand somewhat today

Eggsy  
what do u mean

Harry  
You were missing for several hours and I know I must have looked stricken about it  
Merlin ordered me to go out to get some air and “calm myself down” 

Eggsy  
aw babe

Harry  
If you were ever seriously injured, if your life was hanging in the balance, I don’t think I could sufficiently suppress my emotions

Eggsy  
but ur really good at the whole poker face thing  
rox once said u only have 2 facial expressions: poker face and bitch face

Harry  
Oh did she indeed?

Eggsy  
she meant it affectionately i swear  
i know u have at least 3 more in ur arsenal

Harry  
Look, the point is, my “poker face” has apparently gone AWOL  
When I was secretly in love with you, with no hope or expectation of anything reciprocal, it was much easier to conceal my feelings  
But then one day you changed everything, you mad, brave, brilliant thing  
And just like that, you took away all my defences

Eggsy  
that sounds like a good thing to me

Harry  
Under any other circumstances it would be a wonderful thing, but remember what’s at stake

Eggsy  
r u sure theyd kick us out if they knew haz?

Harry  
No, I’m not, but I’m not prepared to gamble on it  
The thing that keeps me up at night, more than anything else, is the thought of the damage this could do to you

Eggsy  
meaning?

Harry  
I don’t care two shits for my own career really, I’m old and I’ve had a good run  
But you’re so young, your life has barely begun  
You worked so hard to become a knight, you overcame so many obstacles, and you’re so bloody good  
Getting you into Kingsman meant everything to me  
And now where are we? I’m jeopardising the lot because of a foolish infatuation

Eggsy  
a foolish infatutation?  
mate…

Harry  
Forgive me, I didn’t mean that  
That’s how it would look if it got out though  
Ageing fool abuses his position to get his leg over pretty young thing  
How selfish, how stupid

Eggsy  
u gotta stop this harry  
that is not how anyone sees u  
half of kingsman would give their right eye to be in MY place, for a start  
tall dark handsome posh clever funny sexy deadly  
and they dont even know how fuckin feral u r in the sack

Harry  
Please stop

Eggsy  
i aint finished yet, pipe down  
u keep talkin like im just some kid who can hardly consent to the act  
yeah ok im younger than u but so what  
i dont know if ud noticed but were the same now and i aint just talking about our haircuts  
u aint my mentor, u aint my boss… were equals  
im a grown man and i aint gonna waste time agonisin over age gaps  
and if theres consequences involved, i can consent to them too  
so how about u let me decide for myself what im prepared to risk for u hey?

Harry  
It’s easy for you to say that now  
How will you feel in six months, a year, 10 years?  
I can’t let you recklessly throw your life away over something you may well think better of at some point in the future

Eggsy  
oh right so thats what this is about  
on top of everythin else u got some abandonment issues goin on  
is it boardin school that does this to u lot?

Harry  
I’m just being realistic  
I’m nearly 30 years older than you. That difference is going to feel bigger and bigger as time goes on  
What if you decide this isn’t what you want any more?

Eggsy  
theres nothin I can say thats gonna make u feel better about this, is there?  
none of us knows the future, those are legit concerns for sure  
but please dont be about to pull that “im gonna break up with you to save u” crap  
this aint moulin fuckin rouge mate

Harry  
Eggsy, I couldn’t put a stop to this if I tried  
That’s the whole point  
A nobler man would do the right thing

Eggsy  
well im glad u aint that noble then  
we need to find some other solution  
i know u can, ur the brains of this operation

Harry  
I fear you over-estimate me 

Eggsy  
nah u always come up with the goods

Harry  
Hmm  
Just promise me you won’t do anything rash in the meantime  
Business as usual, OK?

Eggsy  
i promise

. .  
. .  
. .

21.04 10:13

Harry  
Well, much to my surprise it seems we’re doing a sufficient job of maintaining our professionalism so far

Eggsy  
eh?

Harry  
We’ve been assigned a mission together  
In Paris, of all fucking places

Eggsy  
oh my days harry  
when?

Harry  
Almost as soon as you get back from Prague

Eggsy  
fuckin hell  
i dont know whether im comin or goin these days

Harry  
You’re usually coming when I see you

Eggsy  
oh well played sir

Harry  
Thank you

Eggsy  
does that make u feel a bit better about things

Harry  
Marginally  
I don’t want to get lulled into a false sense of security

Eggsy  
christ ur never happy r u

Harry  
Not true  
I’m happy when I’m with you

Eggsy  
:)

Harry  
Sorry Eggsy, I’m getting summoned to an emergency meeting  
Have you not had a message asking you to dial in on your glasses?

Eggsy  
no dickhead, my glasses r fucked

Harry  
I forgot  
I have to go, this seems serious  
I’ll let you know the details as soon as it’s done

. .  
. .  
. .

21.04 10:57

Harry  
Arthur is dead

Eggsy  
WHAT THE FUCK  
who killed him?

Harry  
That is the Eggsy-est thing you’ve ever said  
No one killed him, dearheart  
He had a stroke

Eggsy  
shit  
hed only been in the job a year  
so what now

Harry  
Another recruitment process, just like last time  
Applications need to be in by end of business tomorrow

Eggsy  
they dont fuck about do they

Harry  
No  
I had less than 24 hours to find my candidate for the position of Lancelot  
Luckily for me you chose to ram a police car within that time period

Eggsy  
it was written in the stars mate  
merlin caretaking again in the meantime?

Harry  
Yes, he’s furious about it

Eggsy  
hahahahaha

Harry  
I have to go, suddenly lots to do here

Eggsy  
fair enough luv  
bye

. .  
. .  
. .

21.04 16:56

Harry  
I have something to tell you

Eggsy  
ur pregnant

Harry  
Hilarious  
I’ve applied for the position of Arthur

Eggsy  
UVE WHAT  
dont u have to be like 112 to be arthur

Harry  
That was not on the list of essential requirements  
Are you OK with it?

Eggsy  
why wouldnt i be?

Harry  
If I was successful it would make me your boss

Eggsy  
OH

Harry  
If you’re not comfortable with it I’ll withdraw my application

Eggsy  
like fuck u will  
i totally support u  
im just surprised is all  
is this really what u want?

Harry  
I think it is  
I’ve been a field agent for a long time and I’m growing weary of taking orders from others, especially when (just between you and me) some of those others have been total shits

Eggsy  
hahahahahahaha  
think u could do a better job then?

Harry  
Yes

Eggsy  
ugh ur arrogance is so sexy

Harry  
Are you absolutely sure you can handle this, on top of everything else?  
I thought our being equals was important to you

Eggsy  
just because ud be my boss professionally dont mean to say ud be my boss in private  
unless were in the mood for that sort of thing  
its not like when i was just a chav off the street and u were… u  
im galahad now, u get me?

Harry  
I do  
Thank you

Eggsy  
reckon ur in with a chance then? 

Harry  
As much as anyone else I imagine

Eggsy  
when will u find out

Harry  
No idea  
The board will deliberate for as long as it takes to reach a consensus

Eggsy  
ahhh i want this so much for u

Harry  
Let’s try not to get ahead of ourselves  
You’re back tomorrow, correct?

Eggsy  
correct

Harry  
My place? Let me make you dinner for once

Eggsy  
oh babe u cant cook

Harry  
I beg your fucking pardon?

Eggsy  
didnt u know?

Harry  
I cooked for Mark for 12 years and he never said anything of the kind

Eggsy  
he mustve loved u a lot to put up with that

Harry  
Are you implying you don’t love me enough to put up with it?

Eggsy  
tellin the truth is my love language innit

Harry  
You’re unbearable  
We’ll get a takeaway

. .  
. .  
. .

29.04 20:09

Eggsy  
best mission ever  
could do that over and over forever  
includin the part where i get electrocuted if necessary

Harry  
It was indeed a very enjoyable assignment  
Apart from the fact that I threw my back out

Eggsy  
yeah but that didnt have anythin to do with the actual mission did it

Harry  
No it did not  
But when the physiotherapist asks we’re going to say that it did, aren’t we?

Eggsy  
yes harry

Harry  
I knew it was only a matter of time before you broke me

Eggsy  
hahahahahahahaha  
ill miss this when youre arthur

Harry  
IF I’m Arthur, Eggsy  
And it wouldn’t be the end of missions for me  
Arthur is still an agent, after all

Eggsy  
hey i just thought of somethin  
paris was probably the first time u got to hear me really use my harry hart voice 

Harry  
I beg your pardon?

Eggsy  
my posh voice  
when i was posin as james harrington  
its just me pretendin to be u really  
did that a lot when u were dead, helped me get through the days  
sounds stupid i know

Harry  
Eggsy  
Darling

Eggsy  
u like it?

Harry  
I do  
But I like your natural speaking voice the most  
I hope wherever life takes you, you never lose it

Eggsy  
posh blokes love a bit of rough huh

Harry  
This one certainly does

Eggsy  
fuck me harry

Harry  
Is that an expletive or a request?

Eggsy  
its a fuckin instruction mate

Harry  
I’ll be there in 5

. .  
. .  
. .

29.04 22:14

Harry  
You utter, utter imbecile

Eggsy  
ok wow  
good mornin to u too  
what have i done

Harry  
Me, with your glasses on the table pointing towards us, NOT EVEN SWITCHED OFF FOR GOD’S SAKE

Eggsy  
WHAT THE WHAT NOW  
when where how

Harry  
First night in Paris, remember?

Eggsy  
oh yeah, how could i forget  
we were goin all night, it was sick

Harry  
That wasn’t an invitation to take a stroll down memory lane, Eggsy  
What the fuck were you thinking?!  
After all your paranoia about those glasses  
They even have an off switch now and you didn’t bother to use it!

Eggsy  
i must have forgot ok?  
how do u even know i did this

Harry  
BECAUSE MERLIN REVIEWED THE FOOTAGE  
He just phoned to confront me about it  
He asked if I was, and I quote, “out of my fucking mind”  
He was absolutely furious

Eggsy  
whats he doing looking at the footage

Harry  
We were on a mission! He was doing his fucking job!

Eggsy  
oh god  
what did u say to him

Harry  
There wasn’t much I could say, the footage spoke for itself

Eggsy  
couldnt u have lied, made somethin up?

Harry  
What sort of lie do you expect me to come up with, off the cuff, to magically explain away what we were doing?

Eggsy  
i dunno  
practicin for honeypots?  
mind control?  
it wasnt us but 2 blokes who just look like us?

Harry  
Don’t you realise how serious this is?  
Welcome to our worst case scenario

Eggsy  
so merlin is grassin us up?

Harry  
No. He should, but he won’t. We go back a long way and I’ve covered for him enough to warrant his complicity on this occasion  
But he is not happy at all, Eggsy  
We’ve put him in a terrible position

Eggsy  
shit  
im so sorry harry  
should i talk to merlin

Harry  
I don’t think that’s a very good idea right now  
At least give it time for the mental image to fade a little

Eggsy  
oh god  
i hope it was a flatterin angle at least

Harry  
I’m going to go and jump off a bridge now

Eggsy  
:(

. .  
. .  
. .

30.04 11:17

Harry  
So did you or did you not write to Merlin to thank him for his support, as though you’d won a fucking Oscar, and apologise for the fact that he “had to see my knob”?

Eggsy  
it seemed like the gentlemanly thing to do  
and i reckon i should win an award for that performance mate  
it was some of my best work  
thats what u said at the time anyway

Harry  
I didn’t think it was possible for things to get worse and yet somehow you’ve pulled it out of the bag

Eggsy  
actually he sent me a well nice reply  
i mean nice by merlins standards  
obviously he called me a twat but thats his way of sayin he loves me deep down

Harry  
I must concede that that is correct

Eggsy  
u were out of the picture for a long time mate, he and i got pretty close  
i mean not like that

Harry  
I would never have assumed that

Eggsy  
whats the deal with merlin then?  
is he with anyone?

Harry  
Alas, no  
He’d be much less grumpy if he was getting his end away on a regular basis

Eggsy  
hahahaha  
he got his eye on anyone?

Harry  
I couldn’t possibly say

Eggsy  
that means yes

Harry  
I’m really not telling you, Eggsy. God knows I owe him that much

Eggsy  
spoilsport

. .  
. .  
. .

03.05 09:11

Harry  
I have news  
I would call but I have a lot of traffic coming in and out of my office today and I don’t want to be overheard  
I wanted you to hear this before anyone else though

Eggsy  
oh my god harry  
i know what ur gonna say  
go on

Harry  
I got the job

Eggsy  
s9eru3rhfbh34tufjsosir839tmccj!!!!!!!!  
i cant even  
so fuckin proud of u

Harry  
Thank you  
Time to bring this establishment into the 21st century 

Eggsy  
whens it bein announced

Harry  
Later this afternoon I think

Eggsy  
gonna have to really work on my non-existent poker face  
do i have to call u sir now

Harry  
You don’t have to

Eggsy  
what if i want to

Harry  
You’re a disgrace, Unwin  
You can call me whatever you like

Eggsy  
hows ur back

Harry  
Mostly recovered

Eggsy  
good cos im comin over tonight to celebrate ur promotion with u and ur gonna need to be on ur game

Harry  
My life is an embarrassment of riches

Eggsys  
mines just an embarrassment hahaha

. .  
. .  
. .

04.05 12:27

Eggsy  
is it ok if we organise some work drinks to celebrate 

Harry  
Absolutely

Eggsy  
yessssss this arthur parties hard

Harry  
Oh, please

Eggsy  
i love how made up everyone is about it  
so how does the swan sound after work on friday

Harry  
Did Roxanne choose the venue?

Eggsy  
how did u know?

Harry  
I believe Friday at the Swan is open mic night

Eggsy  
hahahahahahahaha

. .  
. .  
. .

06.05 22:48

Eggsy  
helo harry im hiidin in th bathroom

Harry  
Why?

Eggsy  
need a breathr  
hrd work not givn mysellf away tbh  
also mght need to throw up

Harry  
Lightweight  
Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth

Eggsy  
like gvin a blowjb

Harry  
Give me strength

. .  
. .  
. .

06.05 23:02

Harry  
Are you OK?

Eggsy  
yep  
soberin up a bit now  
why does this always happen to me

Harry  
I think Lancelot has hit it harder than you if it’s any consolation

Eggsy  
yeah  
how come she gets away with sittin on ur lap though

Harry  
I don’t know darling, heteronormativity?

Eggsy  
fuck that  
u look so good tonight

Harry  
I look the same as I always do

Eggsy  
exactly  
it hurts

Harry  
If it makes you feel less alone in your torment, you’ve been killing me by increments all night

Eggsy  
how

Harry  
By putting your hand on someone’s back when you lean in to hear them, by laughing at Merlin’s stupid fucking jokes like they’re funniest thing you’ve ever heard, by loosening your tie and running your hand through your hair over and over so it looks uncannily like it does after you’ve been properly fucked  
Simply by existing, darling

Eggsy  
im leavin harry  
i cant do this

Harry  
Please don’t go

Eggsy  
im sorry  
make sure rox gets home ok

. .  
. .  
. .

07.05 08:14

Eggsy  
im so sorry about last night haz

Harry  
I came looking for you  
Obviously I didn’t find you

Eggsy  
i went to jamals  
slept on his sofa  
he didnt ask questions, hes a bro

Harry  
Why though Eggsy?

Eggsy  
im so tired of it harry  
all the creepin around, all the lyin and pretendin  
last night just put me over the edge  
i want a life with u, a proper life  
not just illicit hook ups and secret messages  
i wanna come home with u and eat ur fuckin awful food and do whatever it is proper couples do together  
I wanna come into work with u the next day and not care what people think  
in fact i want everyone to know  
its so fuckin unfair harry

Harry  
I know  
I want all those things too  
You cannot imagine how much

Eggsy  
can we really do this forever? im exhausted already

Harry  
If it’s a choice between this and not having you in my life, then I will gladly do this forever  
I would do anything for you  
Kill for you, die for you, whatever  
I’m a lost cause at this point  
I love you beyond all reason

Eggsy  
im not cryin  
ur cryin

Harry  
I am actually

Eggsy  
ive never seen u cry

Harry  
You’ll see it about as often as Halley’s Comet

Eggsy  
need u inside me harry

Harry  
I’m not coming to Jamal’s to do that

Eggsy  
im at mums

Harry  
I’m definitely not coming to your mother’s to do that  
She already has a fairly dim view of me  
I’ll send the cab

. .  
. .  
. .

27.05 10:09

Harry  
Have you read your emails yet?

Eggsy  
nah  
anything interestin

Harry  
You might like to take a look at the HR update

Eggsy  
or i might like to just stare at the wall 

Harry  
Please humour me

Eggsy  
ok ok, keep ur knickers on  
oh my god  
did u change the rules 

Harry  
I might have changed one or two

Eggsy  
U CHANGED THE FUCKIN RULES  
“restrictions on agents personal relationships will cease effective immediately”  
u did this for us

Harry  
I did it because it’s a ridiculous fucking rule and it needed to go  
But yes, essentially I did it for us

Eggsy  
wait wait wait  
was u plannin this all along?  
is this why u decided to apply for arthur???

Harry  
It was a contributing factor

Eggsy  
why didnt u tell me u absolute dickhead

Harry  
It seemed a very long shot  
Even assuming my application was successful, the board have to approve all decisions like this  
Arthur is not omnipotent, alas  
I didn’t want to get your hopes up only to have them dashed further down the line  
Luckily it seems we’re not the only ones who were ready for this particular change

Eggsy  
fuckin harry hart  
u do realise that everyone will think you did this for me  
when they find out about us

Harry  
And they’ll be right

Eggsy  
theyll say its an abuse of authority

Harry  
I don’t give two shits

Eggsy  
god ur sexy

Harry  
Anyway, why are we discussing this over Whatsapp?  
You can come and discuss it with me in my office

Eggsy  
were not gonna discuss anythin are we

Harry  
No  
Lock the door on your way in  
Or don’t, as you see fit

. .  
. .  
. .

27.05 14:03

Eggsy  
rox rox rox  
did u see what harry did  
i mean did u see the news about the relationship policy

Roxy  
Yes, I did! Fantastic news  
This new Arthur is pretty awesome, huh? ;)

Eggsy  
ive got somethin to tell u  
me n harry  
fuck i dont know how to explain

Roxy  
I know, Eggs :)

Eggsy  
WHAT  
what do u know?

Roxy  
That you’re completely arse over tit in love with each other

Eggsy  
oh god are we that transparent

Roxy  
Don’t worry, I wouldn’t say it was common knowledge  
But I know you really well, I know all your little tells  
And I’m also a bloody brilliant agent with superb powers of deduction

Eggsy  
right  
did u know we’ve been doin it for weeks tho

Roxy  
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eggsy  
powers of deduction not that great then mate

Roxy  
I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!  
I bet sex with Harry is insane, right?

Eggsy  
you have no fuckin idea  
r u pissed off that i didnt tell u

Roxy  
Course not. I totally get why you couldn’t say anything  
Although I do insist that you make up for lost time by coming over to mine after work tonight, drinking far too much cheap wine and telling me every last filthy detail

Eggsy  
youre on

. .  
. .  
. .

27.05 14:03

Merlin  
Harry Hart, you’re a fucking disgrace  
If I ever get wind of the fact that you’ve had that lad on Kingsman property, there’ll be consequences

Harry  
I’m sorry to tell you that that ship has already sailed

Merlin  
For fuck’s sake  
You’re happier than I’ve seen you in years, it’s disgusting

Harry  
Thank you for everything you did. Or didn’t, rather

Merlin  
Don’t mention it  
And I mean literally don’t mention it ever again  
Frankly I never wanted to see that much of you or Mr Unwin

Harry  
You might like to consider taking advantage of the policy change as well, my friend

Merlin  
Excuse me?

Harry  
Tell her how you feel

Merlin  
Go fuck yourself, smug bastard

Harry  
And a lovely afternoon to you too, Merlin

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed 'Just Ask Me', I hope you found this a satisfying follow-up. Next up will be something with 100% more narrative and 100% less Carry On humour, which will be even more of a challenge for me than maintaining a sense of decorum in a staff meeting is for Harry Hart.


End file.
